At Your Lowest

Don't you love how everyone tells you "its going to be okay" when your upset. They tell you "you will do better" "it will get easier" and all you want to do is punch them in the throat. You feel like the lowest kind of broken down when you can tell that there is no possible way for you to have what you want, because the ones around you will not allow it. That moment that you want to just pack a bag and start walking and just see where it gets you, and you hope its far far away from where you started. When it's changing you and making you not even want to be around the ones you were close to and loved. I'm ready to get out and be in a place where I no longer have to rely on my family for anything and I make all of my choices myself. When I can choose what I do, who is in my life, and what paths I want to take in life. It is my life and everyone tells me that I have to make choices about my life and what to do in it, well then why won't people let me make those choices myself instead of telling me I'll be grounded and I'll lose my Jeep and I won't go anywhere and I'll lose my phone. That is taking the choice away from me. So I will wait. In 11 months I will be 18. At 18 I can make those choices all myself and no one can take that right from me. My college? If you think I'm going to ask form your help, your wrong. If you think I'll be back to visit you, your wrong. Why do I want to come back when you treat me like that? You tell me to be an adult and then when I do, I'm in trouble, but if I act like a child, I'm in trouble and stupid. I don't have people around that see what we go through and see how we are and see for their self how it is when its just us. So I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel, so I vent in poetry. Which now you have ruined for me. Thanks for not telling me I am talented, for not telling me I could do great, for not telling me I'm good at it. Thanks for complaining that it cost and that I should be getting paid and not having to buy the book. Thanks for ruining something I loved. There are so many things I could do and be great at, but I don't or I gave it up because I knew how you would feel. Now I'm growing up and I know you don't like it and still look at me like the child that I was when I come to you. But I'm not. I'm growing up, I'm getting ready to go out and be on my own. I will be at college, alone, and you won't be there to tell me what to do and pick and who to be around or not. You wont be there to tell me how to do things or to do them from me. So maybe, instead of treating me like a child and pushing me away, let's spend this last year you have with me getting me ready, let me figure things out on my own, and let me decide stuff myself. I have someone who wants to better him self and help me and cares for me and wants to show you that he is not what you think he is. But your to hard headed and stubborn to listen. So now your hurting me more then anything and are pushing me away and I don't think you even realize it. Your pushing me into a slump that I feel trapped in and feel like I am alone and depressed and can't get out. You have done a lot for me in my life and helped me through a lot, but you don't realize that this is a major thing in my life and the more you don't help me and push me and argued with me, the farther from you I grow. I don't want to be like that, I wish you would be more understand and start thinking about how I feel and remember that its my life, not yours. Stop making my choices for me. The choices aren't yours to make, so why make it from me? The choices don't change your life, they do mine, so why make the choice from me? I'll never understand. I just know that it makes me want to be out on my own and not have to answer to you any more. I don't know what to do about everything, I just know that I'll be glad to be 18 so I can go and control my own life.