dead of night

winter headlights get lost in a blur of darkness and rain i wake shaky and alert satisfied and terrified wondering what went wrong why i've said the things i've said why i've done the things i've done why i've left out chapters of this partially grown life i know that this kind of rain will leave fat prints on the windshield of my car that the wipers must be set high that heat would be required if this is all that sleep brings - the hustle and bustle of home the tearing apart of friends the exhaustion and the noise - i would have signed up for something different as the red of stoplights get sucked into black puddles i wonder how many people i've hurt i begin to count and i quickly run out of fingers with my head hanging in my lap hands through my hair gripping and pulling wanting and needing i try to forget and start again become one pair of headlights lost in a lonely road caressing still waters making more ripples of my own only, this time, a bit less painful passing oncoming vehicles wanting more out of this somehow, it all seems worth it expept for the moments when it doesn't when i have managed to bring everything to ruin waste other people's time bring other people down for now, and just for now, i am the blur of headlight in the rain in the dark in the trickle of black in the low haze of red in the hidden water in the ripples and desruction i am the lost lights in the dead of night