Happy...on a rant

I would kill myself. For him. I love him. I realize now that these thoughts come from the guilt I feel from having sex in the first place, which is why I ask God to forgive me and take away my desires of lust. I do not want to do this anymore. I just want to stop. I want to believe that we can have a relationship without sex. I just want it to be perfect. It's never perfect. It will never be perfect. Why can't my life be perfect? Sometimes I feel like he hates me. Like he wishes he never met me like he wishes he could have someone else. Someone perfect like him. He is perfect. I love him. I will always love him. I just want him to be happy and I feel like I can't make him the happiest that he could possibly be. Even if I can't make him happy, I pray that someone can do that for him because he deserves to be happy. But don't I deserve to be happy too? I can't leave him. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. And trust me I don't want to leave him. I feel an attachment toward him that can never be broken. I can't live without him. But if I had to I would because I want him to be happy. If going to bed without saying goodnight to me is what makes him happy then so be it. I will live with that. If being distant during or conversations is what makes him happy then I'll let him, without any complaints. If making me feel as though he doesn't love me and that he never even did is what makes him happy, I will be unloved by him. If someone else will make him happier, then let her. because I don't want to be the one to hold him back. He's so great. He is going to do such big things in life. He is perfect. I just hope that if he does one day decide to leave me that he leaves me for someone real, someone truly perfect, like him.