My Diary screaming out loud: Honest N hidden feelings from my so

I'm afraid to live..I'm afraid to die..I'm to afraid to show my pain..I'm too afraid to let ya see me cry....I'm to afraid to remove my mask...It's no easy task....I'm afraid to end..I'm afraid to start..I'm afraid to show ya me..I'm afraid you'll break my heart....I'm afraid of every silent scream..I'm afraid everything that's perfect is nothin but a dream...I don't like myself at all...Too afraid to take that leap..I'm gunna fall... To be honest bein loved n cherised is wut i miss....I wunna be surronded by happiness and bliss...I'm surronded by the dark..I'm serching for the light...That everlasting spark... I'm ashamed of who i am...I hate me to the core...I don't thing I'll ever spread my wings and soar... I know inside i feel so broken...Everything i feel can never be spoken...I wonder wut happened to all my tears..I'm a slave to all to all my hidden fears...I wunna dance in the rain...I wunna hide all my pain...I wonder if God lisens when i pray...I wonder how i got so lost..I wonder how i went astray...I wonder will anyone see the tears i cry...I wunna jump in but i know i will drown..I hide behind a fake smile..So no can see my frown... To exsperience the rainbow...Ya gotta have the rain... To exsperience joy and laughter.. Ya gotta have the pain..When i lay my head to rest..I wounder if life is a impossible test...I often believe i have no worth...At times the only thing i feel inside is insecure ...I wish i could be calm and breath in and then let it all out.. When everything is out of control i just wunna scream and shout...When everything goes wrong..I try to I hope act strong... I hope god will be my guide...I hope he will keep his arms open wide...I hope He will carry me...I wonder if he'll ever set me free...I hope God will see me through..I hope he will stand by me in everything i do..I wish God understood that i'm hurting inside and i can't make it on my own...Why can't he see that i'm broken and aloneI need him to help me cope...Who will be there to hold my hand..I'm waiting for someone to give me hope...Every day is a struggle and everyday i get knocked down..I stand back up and lift my eyes to heaven Sitting up there is my king with the everylasting crown