For Lara

A cute kid 
all that i saw
never EVER thot
that u were like us
never looked at u
like that
too young
too close
too trusted
until
you said u were
even then
i didnt want you
didnt believe you were
you kissed me
we had that night
what i told u after
was the truth
it was a mistake
i didnt feel anything
not then
but u sobbed
and it broke my heart
so i faked lust
for a while
i mean
i liked you
just not as strongly
as u did me
until just before quebec
it was almost platonic
then i really started to fall
all the way fall
i couldnt catch myself
you didnt stop me
nor did you catch me
i dumped you
because i could never
have all of you
you kept him
and it burned 
to know someone else
could kiss you
how dare you
be angry that 
someone else kissed me
you did the same
just cuz it was a guy
i was supposed to excuse?
and im painted red
bulls released?
hypocrite
you used to say
i was the one 
who u told everything
10:30 confessional
your saved smile
tears on the train
relief to see me
all u wanted
that was friends lar
i cant ask for you
to be the same
i cant ask you
for more than friends
i dont even want that
havent for a while
but honey
as friends 
wasnt it 2 years
of great friends?
all i want
is that little girl
who'd climb onto the couch
watch the hockey game
and laugh about
onions and lou
rapunzal and eggs
i want my friend back
i didnt lose you
you chose to leave
why? why lose all everything?
so we have a past
most of it was great
a few things to work thru
are you scared?
is it too hard?
seeing me?
why cant you
just tell me
how it is for you
without the lies
and the swears
the extra hurt
the extra tears
why extra?
its hard enough 
breaking up
friends is worth it
------
after some time
i dont want
u mine
friends or more
you're just a whore
anyone who treats
her best friends
like something expendible
isnt someone i want
someone who is so selfcentred
that she cant see 
how her actions kill me
or doesnt care
anyone who can say
those words to someone
with whom they loved so much
to someone who loves them
so much
to someone who was there
so much
why make all that was great
shadowed by this new hate
leave happy thoughts
stop calling me a bitch
you think you're tough?
all i hear is hurt
all i see is panic
all i need is a smile
a sad one will do
let me kno
you're still there
i feel so decieved
all you said
all we felt
as friends
never existed
did it?
it couldnt have
for if we truly were
friends like that
you wouldnt keep
stabbing my heart
you'd feel some connection
some string would still
thread ur heart to mine
so it was all lies
2 years of lies
2 lifetimes of hurt
both mine
in essence
i think
ere i know
you're not meant for me
i not for you
not meant to have met
unless i am
meant to be so broken
so completely abandoned
so i can write
horrible verse
so i can feel
all the anguish
god has to offer
relate to ash
burned 
left to blow away
no one cares where
the fire was 
the important part
& all fire is gone in me 
so think urself above
chose hate over love
im not asking for love
just compassion
understanding
humane thought
admission in co-fault
an admission
that you dont hate me
or that u do
just... an admission
that you feel i dont
that you feel at all
that you're not dead
that you are the same
the same little girl
that i loved so dearly
the one that can laugh
the one that can smile
the one that lives
my lar
i know you would be
so mad at me
for using my in that
but to me
it means 
the old lar
who could care
about others
about life
about forgiveness
who could see the 
value of friendship
the waste she makes
in me
in everyone
most importantly
in her.