Who's the guy with the big white beard
he love's your children this guy is weird
he dresses in red and rides in a sleigh
i really think this old guy is gay
he lets kids sit on his lap give tammy
a shower she may have the clap

he only comes out once a year to spread
yultide with candy and beer he knows
when you're sleeping and when you're
awake lock all your doors don't make
that mistake

his reindeer have funny names he must be
locked up this old guy's insane no one
knows where he may live his only wish
is to give

so when you see a ton of gifts under your
tree be glad that half of them are from me
so i must close and go spread some cheer
lock all your windows cuz santa is near.